1/20/00  

[Current music: REM - Monster, Automatic for the People]

"You came to bang, bang, bang, blame
It's not my thing so let it go ..."

I'm listening to REM because for some reason I mentioned the song "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" and the story behind it to some friends of mine. I don't know why I find the image of Dan Rather being beaten so funny. Sorry Dan.

Reflecting on yesterday's entry about Rush, I visited a fan site and read about the latest news. I was saddened to read about Neil Peart's personal tragedies, the loss of his daughter in a car accident and his wife to cancer. It saddens me that a man that has brought me such joy and inspiration through his lyrics and drum playing has to endure such grief. Whenever I was feeling down, I would retreat to my room, turn on the stereo, put on my headphones, turn off the lights, and let their music speak to me. I'm not sure, but what do you say to your hero when he's struck by mortality?

My love and I were in Maui recently, and we went whale watching. I decided to buy a video of the trip, and it came today. We immediately stuck it in and relived our oohs and ahhs and finger pointing and wind whipped hair. There's a freedom that you experience on the water that's hard to describe. It has quite a calming effect on me. I also get seasick quite easily, but I've discovered Dramamine handles that quite nicely.

She and I had a nice chat today. We talked about the weather and its effect on our moods, about the future and the chances that it held if we were only bold enough, about our need for some excitement, about the cars we would buy if we hit it big, and our mutual need for a latté. The walk to Starbuck's in the sporadic drizzle was actually soothing.

I phoned my uncle in San Diego to see how my aunt was doing after surgery. He told me she was doing fine and the surgery had lasted five hours. She was still sleepy from the anesthesia, and not eating very much. She would be on a puree diet for about two weeks. They had done most of the operation orthoscopically, but had to make a three inch incision to remove the gall bladder "rocks" (describe so by the doctor.) They also fixed her hernia, which was in a horrible state when described by my uncle. I didn't realize things could get so bad. He told me they were on their way to see her, and that I should call her and say hello. I phoned my Aunt at Scripps hospital. She answered and sounded very groggy. I knew how she felt having also gone through general anesthesia (but not for five hours!) We spoke briefly, and I told her I would call back later. Tomorrow I'll send her flowers.

i sat there, i watched the scenario played out, i heard the words that were said, i felt the undertow, i relived the history that came violently played, my mouth dried, my hands trembled, and i reminded myself to let it go, those were times that i buried, i left no markers, i curse myself for this tragedy, i scold myself for this weakness, but still it stings, my mood shifts, my temper strains swollen and throbbing, can't you just let it go, i exhaled the forgotten breath, made my excuses, and left defeated, come closer my tragedy, and hold my sweating hand, i rather that you walk on by as i avert my eyes and turn my back, please hold your tongue and leave me silently, i do not want this nonsense, i do not crave this stupidity, i do want your sympathy